Hardcore Horror

I saw the new Friday the Thirteenth in theaters last week. For a moment, I thought I had stumbled into some sort of an illicit pornography.... but then I remembered I was in MacArthur.

Anyway, I don't think I've ever seen so many naked girls in one movie. It was pretty ridiculous. I went to see blood, guts, and gore, not a diverse array of breasts. Seriously, every other second, someone had their clothes off. It was entirely ridiculous. I know the plot wasn't great, but did the writers and producers really feel that the film was so bad, they needed to get some people naked in order to entice a male audience? And don't tell me any of it was even real. I can guarantee that one, if not all of those girls has had plastic surgery. But I guess if they're going to flaunt naked women through 70% of the film, there's really no point in making them the slightest bit realistic looking. The film was basically fodder for an uncreative wet dream. What does that say about women? Their so much hotter with their clothes off. And moaning. Please. It's 2009... come up with something original. And these girls— the same ones taking their clothes off— they had all of about 7 lines.... total. I suppose they're just so much hotter if they don't speak.

Not that Friday the Thirteenth didn't have plenty to say about masculinity. The majority of the guys in the film were interested in little other than pot, liquor, and undressing their female camping buddies. When the scary parts happened, the wimps died first. The guys who were visible terrified of Jason (a massive six-foot-something axe-wielding maniac.... go figure.) died first. As if this was some sort of last man standing battle for their masculinity. I always thought that it was a natural instinct to run from what's obviously trying to maim and kill you. But then, what do I know? I'm only a woman.

But what I thought was the most interesting, was the people who died. Everyone who died had sex with another character at some point in the film. Two of the male characters who didn't "get lucky" also died... but then again, they were horror's favorite victim: minorities. The only two characters alive by the end of the film were white, and had remained celibate through the course of the film. So obviously, the deserved to live, right? It's frustrating that in such an over-sexed film, promiscuity is punishable by death.